disapproval.

i was always afraid of disapproval. i suppose i still am, in many aspects. one of the main reasons why i have straight-A's is because i've maintained them since the third grade and i can't imagine what my parents would do if i gave them anything less. people walked all over me in elementary school because i was afraid of saying something out of line. it continued a little bit in middle school, but it happened less because by then, everyone was forging identities and reputations and individual personalities that marked a person's place among the students, and i was finding mine too, asserting myself.

one might argue that all my efforts to create a new identity born from tat timid wallflower were driven by my pathetically overpowering need to be accepted. i learned, as all young people do. i learned how to sing and play the violin. i learned what i needed to know on the tests. i learned who the cool kids were, the ones worth my respect and time. i learned how to use empty flattery and how to make small talk. i learned how to use sarcasm. i learned how to act immature. i learned hypocrisy.

after three years of learning, i was the person you met at the beginning of the 2009-2010 school year. i suppose i've changed even more since then, but the point is not how much i've changed; it's how i've changed. recently, i had a conversation with someone who was talking about how a person is shaped by one's experiences and the people surrounding one's life. this kid said that most individuals don't fully realize the impact they can have on a person. of course, it made me think about what i've done this year and how i've impacted the people around me. i've done some things i never realized i was capable of, both good and bad. who could have guessed i'd be rolling around the forum room stage in an intense mock fight with danaya in the name of one-acts? or that i'd be the one making MLIA-worthy lady gaga jokes during advisory? or that i'd be writing these rants on a semi-regular basis? or that i'd find it im myself to deliberately hurt someone?

i wish i hadn't done the last one, but at the time, i couldn't see any other way to proceed. as much as i'm human and the many things i have a capacity for includes doing wrong, is this how it was supposed to go? was my desire to belong ultimately meant to turn me into the kind of person who did things knowing those actions would hurt others? you'd think i'd apologize, but i haven't yet figured out how to do that. i will never be able to make full amends--one cannot undo the experiences one has created in another's life. and i guess the way my conscience won't abide with that is the worst kind of disapproval in the end.

i'm still a selfish teenager.
i may be short, but as a person, i'm still growing, still learning.
one day, i hope to be good again.
one day, i hope i shall learn to be better than the person i've learned to be.


--christie