life is so much simpler when there is a right and wrong answer, but in reality all of the choices have some merits and some weaknesses and it's not a matter of correct answer, but best fitting answer.
if pure existentialism was real, then pursuit of success would be so much simpler. perhaps not better, but simpler. no one knows what a single person is capable of achieving. it would merely be a matter of trying and trying, and if success follows, so will amazement. but this world is not existentialist. there are structured expectations that appear in the form of rules and laws and institutions. they try to make right and wrong, light and dark. dichotomies that cannot remain separated, but mingle together, weaving constantly into the fabric of humanity.
maybe this is the result of standardized thinking. i'm stuck assuming one answer is right and the rest are wrong, not by reason but by default. but i know better. there are no right answers. yet i'm still living out this multiple choice test, and i still have to select one choice even if it's a trick question, a badly written one that i can't win.
no, i'm more worried that i can't differentiate between my moral instincts and the false expectations i've created for myself. while battling to reconcile my inner stirrings with what i believe to be right, i looked for myself and found only this warzone of shielded desires and arrow-sharp reasons working up a fog of confusion in the landscape of my consciousness. they say all is fair in love and war, but this isn't fair. it certainly isn't pretty.
perhaps i will find myself in faith. but my convictions remain unknown until consummated by action, for there is no to be or not to be; there is only to do or not to do, so i must do, and carry myself to the altar of my beliefs, where thought and feeling can finally marry and i can say
i do, my friend. i do.
